In the latest Wikileaks dump of Clinton campaign emails, campaign manager John Podesta rails against Pitchfork’s “Top 50 Shoegaze Albums of All Time” list, in candid conversation with Clinton confidant and advisor Huma Abedin. The exchange should have no effect on Clinton’s chances to win the Presidency, but the criticism is nonetheless cutting. We’ve arranged the conversation chronologically, for easier readability, but edited the off-color language.

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Podesta: “What is this bullsh*t you send me? Why would I care what Putzfork thinks are the top 50 shoegaze albums of all time? God knows they’re still fighting for relevance, but this sh*t sure doesn’t make their case.”

Abedin: “At least thought you’d get a chuckle out of #48. Be well!”

Podesta: “Don’t even get me started on #48. Nothing’s ‘Tired of Tomorrow’ makes the ALL TIME ALBUMS LIST? So they’re saying the new Nothing album has stood the test of time? Since what, FIVE MONTHS AGO?!?”

Abedin: “I thought that might get a rise out of you.”

Podesta: “Seriously though? It’s a fine album, don’t get me wrong. Probably Top Five of the year. But might not even end up as the year’s best. Competing with Newmoon, Magnet School, Big Deal, The Stargazer Lilies? Give me a break. And did you read the attached blurb? ‘The Philly band is “The Walking Dead” of gorgeous guitar rock…’ WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Nothing represents the inevitable zombie apocalypse?

Abedin: “Well, Pitchfork does have a history of latching on to the ‘new, hip band’ that the kids are raving about, in hopes some of their cool factor rubs off on them.”

Podesta: “But that act is so old it’s transparent by now. Seems like they’ve climbed so far up Nicky Palermo’s butt they can’t see the sunshine anymore. They could’ve at LEAST tossed Airiel’s ‘Battle of Sealand’ up there in its place, nobody would’ve blinked an eye. Oh, wait… Putzfork gave it a 5.0. Can’t unring THAT bell NOW. And throwing a bone to Xinlisupreme at #50, so they could cross Japan off their list? Feels like they were filling some self-imposed quotas here. Probably not even the best Japanese shoegaze album of all time. Weak.”

Abedin: “Hey, at least there were women represented here. They finally got to cover a genre where women play a REAL role, and can’t be relegated to the ‘male-led ingenue myth’ they’ve been criticized for.”

Podesta: “Sure, granted, but seems like they’re just checking a lot of boxes here for the sake of ‘coolness’. M83? Alcest? Jesu? Xinlisupreme? All of them quality releases, but seem thrown in to show sonic diversity. And how can you champion Lovesliescrushing without even half a nod to Astrobrite’s landmark ‘Crush’ LP? Epic failure. And without so much as a passing nod to Ringo Deathstarr, Tears Run Rings, Tamaryn, Fleeting Joys? The folks CURRENTLY reinvigorating the sound? Just, NO.”

Abedin: “Well when I’m looking for thoughtful art criticism, I usually head straight for Conde Nast. *smirk*.”

Podesta: “And Bardo f*cking Pond? Is that a joke? Wait – Bardo f*cking Pond rated higher than Medicine’s “Shot Forth Self Living”? That’s twisted. And don’t get me started on their ‘Loveless’ blurb.”

Abedin: “Well, what else can be said about the landmark of the genre that hasn’t been done to death?”

Podesta: “I realize it’s not easy to find original things to say about “Loveless” at this point, but saying it’s ‘…romantic in the 19th century sense, a work so grand that it connects us to the limitless universe and reminds us how small we are as individuals within it…’, that’s pretentious to the point of hilarity. I think what the writer is REALLY saying is, ‘I went to university for a BA in 19th century lit and all I got was this crappy job writing for Pitchfork’.”

Abedin: “Altogether, seems a really sad and desperate attempt to be cool, like when my embarrassing uncle shows up for Thanksgiving dinner in skinny jeans.”

Podesta: “Seems like somebody Googled ‘seminal shoegaze albums’ and averaged out the results. Sh*t, even NME at their WORST put in more effort. And they never had to break it into five pages for bonus ad views, either.”

Abedin: “At least nobody got compared to Radiohead, so that’s progress for P4K, right?”

These hacked emails have not been verified by DKFM. Representatives of the Clinton campaign declined to comment, and Dominic Palermo could not be reached for comment as of publication date. The Trump campaign responded promptly, however, with the candidate issuing the following Tweet:

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Never one to quit while ahead, Trump later added the following:

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Check out our Top 100 Shoegaze Albums of All Time list here.

 

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